The Best Thing On The Damn Planet



Please, please, PLEASE fight me on this. Health zealots (Healots. HA!), please tell me why the best snack is something that applies to your new fad diet. Pescatarians, please tell me more about how you’re so woke that eating chicken and cows is murder, but gutting something with a 3 second memory is something you can be flexible on. Vegans, please tell me about your favorite breed of grass on which to graze. I beg you to try and dethrone this idea. But you can’t, and I’m gonna tell you why you’re stupid.

Move theatre popcorn is easily the greatest snack in the world simply because it is. That’s it. I love cheese puffs or a spoonful of peanut butter as much as the next guy, but when it comes to eating an entire tub of something before the previews are over, popcorn takes the cake. I also love cake.

Too much sugar though, and you get a tummy ache. I remember the old days of sneaking into the theatre with a big ass bag of cherry sours, hell bent on eating the entire fucking thing, getting a quarter of the way through and feeling sick. I very rarely eat candy at the theatre anymore because I can’t control myself and I will vomit. There’s something about a movie theatre seat that makes me lose every ounce of will and completely destroy whatever I’m eating. Gimme one of those eating contests or some shit…”finish this 72oz burger and all the fries before Nick Cage finds the golden city, and it’s free!” Pssh. Fucking done, you psychopath. That’s easily gone before I realize how bad a movie National Treasure 2 was. So, yeah, with a complete lack of will power, I can’t have sweets in a theatre. I’ll get sick, vomit, and die.

Let’s segue into another taste group: savory. Honestly, I’m still not sure how this taste is defined, but I would assume that hot dogs, nachos, personal pizzas, pickles and other shit like that fall under the categories of “savory” and “theatre snacks that are not popcorn”.

First off, pickles in a theatre are their own special form of domestic terrorism. No one needs to hear your slurpy ass crunching on something that’s 40% water, 10% cucumber, and 54% satan. The fact that you can sip and chew on the same piece of food is morally and ethically objectionable, and if you’re not eating sliced pickles out of a jar in the comfort of your own home, then you’re doing it wrong, and you deserve to burn in hell. Don’t ruin my movie going experience with your phallic vegetable smacking ass. I will lock you outside in a hail storm to fold 32 fitted sheets. Second, everything else is gone WAY too fast. Yes, a large thing of popcorn can be devoured in mere minutes, but if you don’t go big and go get free refills, are you even an American? Also, have you ever tried to get free refills on a fucking hot dog? Play that conversation for yourself in your head real quick. I’ll help you out.

Can I help you?”
”Yes, I’d like a free refill.”
”What would you like on it?
”Mustard, relish, and onions please.
”On your popcorn?”
”No. I’d like a free refill on my hot dog.”
...A pause heavy with judgement...
”Please leave, sir. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

And do you know why it’s the dumbest thing they’ve ever heard? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING STUPID, CARL! You go into a hot dog knowing it’s six inches of ecstasy (let it go, we’re adults), but once you’ve eaten it, it’s gone forever! Not only is there something about inventory, price mark ups, supply & demand, and a whole mess of other economic bullshit to consider, but also, yeah…it’s a hot dog. It’s one and done. Or maybe you bought two. Or three! Who gives a rat’s ass? You buy what you intend to eat. Same with nachos. Sure, you can add some jalapeños* to make the bastards last a little longer, but it’s a “buy what you intend to eat” situation. Same thing with those dumb personal pizzas that are too small to justify spending $23 on. You know what you get when you buy them. And don’t even get me started on movie theatre beer. Fuck off with your $9 for a 20oz domestic. You think I’m gonna pay for more than one of those during the course of Blade Runner 2049? You’re absolutely right, because that movie sucked, and no amount of booze can make up for the money wasted on that ticket. Please, please, PLEASE fight me on that one too. I’ll get you that ass whoopin’** after I make my point. Because you know for a fact that you’ll never get free refills on movie theatre beer. That’d probably be an executive order I’d make if I become president.

But with popcorn…

You have options. Sure, you can get a small or a medium, but that’s just lazy movie going. Again, you get what you pay for, but for JUST A QUARTER MORE!! You can get unlimited popcorn during your movie going experience. Mitch Hedburg was wrong, may God rest his soul. If you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something, get a fucking large popcorn. You can finish round one before the movie starts, go back for seconds, finish round two before moving into the primary conflict, go back for thirds, eat that before the third act starts, get fourths and have your fun with it before the climax, and then on your way out to car you can go for fifths and have a nice snack on the way home, because no one told you you couldn’t refill before you leave the theatre. If you intend to eat a shit load of salty, buttery goodness, do yourself a favor and bring that extra quarter. BUY WHAT YOU INTEND TO EAT! Popcorn is the only snack that allows you to do that at a reasonable price.

And while we’re on the topic of butter! OhMaiGAWWWWWWWWWD…butter. You used to have to guide the employees on how to properly distribute the butter across the entire bag of popcorn. We all know how that goes:

  1. Small layer of popcorn

  2. Lather some butter

  3. Popcorn up to the 2/3 mark of the tub

  4. Make it rain butter

  5. Fill popcorn to the top

  6. Drench that motherfucker with MORE butter

But now we live in a day and age where the theatres have caught on, and this is now standard protocol. We demanded it and now it’s the norm. Fun fact: the proper way to butter popcorn is the first known event in human history that has recategorized from customer preference to actual science. I call that a win for humanity.

So please tell me again how popcorn is not the best movie snack. You can’t. Because it is. And don’t even come at me with your Studio Movie Grill/Movie Tavern argument because that’s not the same thing. At all. You can take that gourmet crap and shove it right up your Gordon Ramsey ass. The movie going experience is meant to be smaller, fun, a little over priced, and filled with junk food. If I wanted a complete ass meal while I watch a movie, I’d ignore my entire family during Thanksgiving and watch Infinity War for the 67th time. Which I might still actually do. Try and stop me. But no, this has been fun, and I’m completely set in the fact that popcorn has been, still is, and always will be the absolute greatest movie theatre snack of all time. You’re more than welcome to disagree with an opinion, BUT YOU CAN’T DISAGREE WITH FACT!

Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.

Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.


*Jalapeños are just smaller, spicier pickles, and if you’re adding them to your nachos, I can see right through your lies, and I’ll even teach my dog who loves everybody to hate you. May your Christmas lights be forever tangled in endless knots, you piece of shit.

**Free refills on all ass whoopin’s

Robbie Clark